shooting dice and beating the house.
Well, two days in a row have been good days. I could tell Crystal struggled all day long to keep her composure; and there were a couple of times that she snapped at me a little, but nothing even close to something that would have placed a black cloud over the day. She looked this morning like she was going to completely kirk out on the whole world; very shortly after she took her Lexapro. The doctor told her that she could take a Seroqual throughout the day if necessary, so she did. Within an hour she was ok (as ok as she gets right now.). I think the only problem was that the Seroqual completely canceled out the Lexapro; which meant she was left kinda depressed all day. Poor thing, I feel so bad for her sometimes. I can tell that she wants nothing more than to be healthy and happy and her body/mind just won't cooperate with her. She's gonna be ok though, I know it. We cleaned/rearranged/and excavated the entire house today. Removed and burned some furniture, cleared out a truckload of trash, and rearranged the entire living room and bedroom. We did this to make room for the rest of Crystal's things that we'll be moving in here over the next few days. We also went and bought some charcoal and steaks and grilled out; as well as some marshmallows for the kiddos to roast over the furniture bon-fire. They had a blast. It turned into a competition between Lyn and Sissy as to who could roast the most perfectly golden brown marshmallow. Sissy actually won; which really shouldn't be that surprising since she is definately the most patient of the two. Bubba was hysterical. He'd either hold the marshmallow 9 feet away from the fire; or bury it beneath the coals. There just wasn't an in-between for him. While I was grilling the steaks I ended up having to go to the store for some reason. Crystal said she'd watch the steaks so I was off. I was gone for about 15 minutes and when I came back they were charred and black. She looked like she was on the verge of tears so I gave her a hug and told her thank you for watching them for me. I was a little irritated; at her for burning them, but mostly for not telling her what to do when the fat from the meat makes the coals flare up. She didn't know, and thus the steaks got burned. I knew it was my fault for not telling her, so I told her that it was and explained about having to flip the meat constantly when there is an open flame. Then I ate every bite of my burnt up steak and finished off what she couldn't eat of hers. It wasn't horrible tasting actually, just kinda crispy:) After marshmallows we wiped down the young'uns and put them to bed and Crystal did some studying while I showered. She got online and started looking for rings again and tonite I bought her one. It's a white gold ring with a CZ. Not typically my style to buy fake, but she thought the band was really pretty and didn't mind that the diamond wasn't real, so who am I to care. I don't really remember what it looks like, that's part of the maleness in me I guess; all I knew was that she liked it so that was good enough for me; not to mention the fact that I won't be the one wearing it anyway. Then, dun dun dun da, I FINALLY got to see her in that little piece of lingerie we bought the other day. Boy was it worth the wait, she is so beautiful. That country song that says, "meanwhile I'm trying to catch the breath you take away" doesn't do justice to how amazing she looks to me. I don't know what it is; maybe it's just the love I have for her. We of course had to do what mommies and daddies do when the babies are asleep and it was very nice. Intense would be a good word. I like it when it's like that, it makes me feel like we are as close as two people can be like we're melding together or something. I love that feeling. I mailed the letter off to Kiet tonite. Hope the bastard gets the hint this time. I'm not sure what I'll do if he keeps on chasing Crystal, but I do know that my patience has run completely out. Hopefully there won't be a need for further action. She took her Seroqual immediately after we finished and passed out fast. She was probably exhausted, we worked our asses off today and on top of that she took Seroqual earlier and refused to let herself fall asleep. I know she must've been tired. Maybe she'll get a full nights sleep tonite. Normally she gets up VERY early and can't get back to sleep. I worry about her because of that, if not for the Seroqual I don't think she'd sleep at all. Hopefully we can get all of this straightened out soon and she can focus on living instead of just surviving. I cleaned out the trunk of her car today and threw away all of Joshs' crap; tools, extension cords, cargo straps, everything. This is the guy that she was talking about marrying just about 4-5 months ago. I'm not really sure what the heck was up with that cause he's only just turned 18 and he just graduated from high school. He's a kid for crissakes! I think I'd better just leave that one be or my brain will explode trying to figure it out. I imagine it's her compulsion for attention the brought that one about. Speaking of compusions I learned today that Crystal might be a little OCD. She refused to let me hang up her clothes today and when I asked her why she said they had to be sorted into long sleeve, short sleeve, hoodies, etc; and then color coded and matched within their specific groups. I asked her when that started but she couldn't remember. I think I might rearrange some of them in a couple of days just to see if she fixes them or if it was just a "thing". We'll see. I won't do it enough to send her over the edge or anything, just enough that she'll notice if she really is OCD. Who knows? It'll be a few days before I'll be able to write more because I have to take the computer and the camcorder to the pawn shop tomorrow to cover the negative balance in the bank. We've been waiting for what seems like forever for Crystals 3600 dollar student loan check to come in. It should be here Tuesday or Wednesday, but the account will already have accrued 2-3 hundred dollars worth of overdraft fees by then. I don't want to waste that money cause we really need it, so I'd rather pay the significantly lesser pawn fees. Hopefully the check comes and I can get my stuff back relatively quickly. Only time will tell. OK time to sleep now, I'm exhausted. Two good days in a row; dare I hope for three? We'll see, but I doubt it - it's when Crystal spends several hours "by herself" that she gets really antsy and starts thinking evil again. Hopefully tomorrow wont be the same way. Fingers crossed...
BTW - I'm very proud of how hard she has been trying to be "normal". She hasn't cut herself in a while, that I know of she hasn't heard the "voice", and she's been working VERY hard to be part of the family. I'll have to ask her about the voice, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, etc. tomorrow. I think it makes her feel better when I ask. I don't think she always realizes how much I really do care about the problems she has and when I ask it let's her know that I'm thinking of her. I think most of the time she believes that I wish she would just "get over it". Sometimes I do, but most of the time I just want her happy. I take all of these problems extremely seriously, I just haven't figured out how to show her that yet I guess. I'll just keep trying. She's worth it.