I was so upset about Crystal earlier that I completely forgot to mention last nights events in regard to my youngest daughter (middle child). Her Name is Adeline and she's five, by the way. Anyway, we're in Wal-Mart browsing as occurs fairly regularly in this family; and she reaches out her hand to show us something. We notice that she has blisters all over her hands. Further investigation reveals these same blisters on her feet. I start to feel a little sick. We leave Wal-Mart and begin driving home and Crystal asks me if I think we should take her to the E.R. Still feeling sick I reply, "Yes, I think that would be a good idea." Now she knows I'm worried because I avoid trips to the doctors and to the hospital at all costs. I don't interfere with a hospital trip when it's needed; and right about now I'm thinking typhoid, small pox, measles, etc etc so I'm for the whole hospital idea. I'm really worried so I just stare out the window trying not to cry because now I am having fatalistic nightmares running through my brain and all I am really thinking is how small pox kills you. I don't know that much about infectious diseases; so I'm quite sure that my ignorance fed my panic fire, but by the time Crystal dropped me and my other two children off at the house I was nearly hysterical. Even worse I had to contain it. Crystal is a little jumpy and moody these days, and me panicking would've sent her over the edge. So I stayed quiet, all the while wondering how I was going to explain to Lyn and Keith why Sissy had to go to heaven. Three hours later, and 15 ulcers later, she calls from the hospital and tells me that everything is fine. "Hand, foot, and mouth disease" is the prognosis. What the hell kind of name is that? Anyway, it's non-lethal and will go away in about a week or so. Sick kids should be against the law. I can't stand it. I hate being sick myself, but when one of the little ones feels bad and I can't make it all better with a kiss it just kills me.
Took the family out to dinner tonite. Bob Evans. On the ride there Crystal was hating me but by the time dinner was over she was wanting to re-marry me. She chewed on me all day today, badly. I finally couldn't handle it anymore and I lost my temper. I yelled and ranted for about 45 minutes, then I was calm but snide for another 2 hours. Also, in the process of poking my finger onto the dash for emphasis, I poked two holes into her dash with my finger. Cheap dash is all I can think because I know my fingers aren't made of steel or something to do that to a normal dash. She said I scared her when I was yelling; said she could envision me hitting her. I don't know how much stock to put in that; whether she really felt that way at the time or if she was trying to get me to feel bad for yelling, but she knows I would never hit her, so I guess it was the second one. I never know though. She believes a lot of things that just don't fit into the real world more and more these days. I'm not sure how to deal with her a lot of the time, so I mainly just try to keep her happy and calm. Placating her primarily. She told me today that she thinks I might have an ulterior motive for staying with her. I laughed at that. I told her that unless she had gold boullion in her trunk there wasn't anything she had that could prompt me to deal with the shit she puts me though. She said that I want to be with her because she has the biggest penis that I've ever seen. It was her first joke of the day today so I knew that we were on the down side of the days rollercoaster. I wish we could have more time on that side. She's so beautiful when she smiles; and I really love being with her when she's calm. She really is a wonderful person. I know someone reading this may think she's a nut, but that's not her. That's just some difficulties she's having and hopefully someday soon she'll be able to overcome them. I'll help if I can because she has such an amazing heart when it isn't clouded. She'll be ok, I just hope she get's there before she alienates me and the kids to much to be overcome. As much as I love her, I won't let her hurt the kids. I'll take them in a heartbeat, but I am desperately trying to avoid doing that. She needs them and they need her, albiet they need her healthy first, but they need her nonetheless. I'm sitting her plugging away at this meaningless blog when I should be making love to her, but she's passed out now. We were supposed to take a bath and she was going to show off a little lingerie we just bought last night, but in order to stop the anxiety she's had all day she had to take one of them Seroqual things and it knocked her out. It's so frustrating, but I won't say anything. Making her feel bad isn't going to help either of us. Maybe tomorrow will be better. You know what the worst part is? She's taking these medicines to help her. Each of them has a different purpose and each of them acts in a decidedly opposite manner. The Lexapro makes her bounce off the walls and hate me; the Seroqual makes her relaxed and love me. Which is real? Does she love me or hate me? I've done a lot of reading on Borderline Personality and according to what I've gathered it's both. When she says she hates me she really does, and when she says she loves me she really does. The key here is that these statements are only true at the time she says them and could change in five minutes. The only answer I couldn't find is which one is "real" in everyone else's "reality"? It's really confusing and it has me more than just a little depressed. Wait, I take that back, I'll be depressed later - - the kids need me to be OK, they deserve at least that much. I'll be depressed in about 15 1/2 years.